Summertime is officially here, and with summer comes a whole lot of fun — usually headed up by one parent in particular. Much like the term “default parent,” a “vacation wife” is a phrase used to describe the person in a family who is pretty much solely responsible for a family vacation. From planning and booking the entire thing to packing for all the kids, prepping the house to be empty for a week, and figuring out how to keep the kids entertained and fed on the drive or plane ride, it’s a lot. And while this isn’t how it works in every home (props to the husbands who know how to make VRBO reservations!), “vacation wife” is a common enough phenomenon that it needs to be talked about.
Whether you’re the vacation wife tackling everything, or just the vacation wife who feels unappreciated, how do you stop yourself from becoming completely resentful? After all, this is your vacation, too.
“Vacation is absolutely a part of emotional labor,” Leigh Norén, a sex and relationship therapist and social worker, tells Scary Mommy. “It’s like being a project leader, but without the paycheck. It entails being responsible for remembering everyone’s needs and planning according to them, organizing practical details, and ensuring the holiday is a good time for everyone.”
And I know what you’re thinking: If you don’t do it, who will? For so many moms, being in charge of most of their family’s activities and needs and wants just means it makes sense to also be the “vacation wife.” Maybe your partner gets overwhelmed researching resorts, or maybe they’re unsure what kind of flight to book or when to schedule a vacation. But that doesn’t mean they are allowed to leave it all up to you.
“We all have different strengths, and it’s perfectly fine for both partners in a relationship not to have the same ones,” Norén says. “The issue is not that a partner doesn’t want to help or doesn’t help at all — it’s expecting your partner to do all the work without talking about it or showing appreciation. Unless it’s been stated beforehand and you’re both OK with the roles being taken on, chances are being the ‘vacation wife’ will cause resentment.”
There’s also a good chance you don’t even realize how this division of labor came about. Much like becoming the “default parent,” becoming the “vacation wife” isn’t usually something you even notice — until you’re suddenly exhausted.
“The ‘vacation wife’ role isn’t always assigned by a partner,” Valerie Ortega, a clinician at Los Angeles Counseling Group, tells Scary Mommy. “Often, women take it on themselves, consciously or not. Why? A mix of social conditioning and what they saw growing up. If you watched your mom book the trips, pack the bags, and coordinate the snacks, chances are you’ve slid into that same groove as an adult.”
Norén says this is true of any unspoken labor taken on in relationships, whether you’re the one always getting up with the kids, the sole keeper of everyone’s permission slips for school, the only one who does laundry — it all counts. “It causes resentment because we start to feel unseen, unheard, and unvalued by our partner,” she says.
“Now layer that on top of everything else — work, household responsibilities, parenting — and it’s no wonder vacation planning can feel more stressful than relaxing,” Ortega says.
If you don’t want that resentment to build with a family vacation, you have to speak out. “In an ideal world, your partner would know exactly what things to do,” Norén says. “But if this is a pattern that’s been going on for a long time, you’ll likely need to specify what you want help with.”
“This isn’t about micromanaging; it’s about teamwork,” Ortega says. “Maybe booking flights gives you hives, but your partner doesn’t mind. Great — delegate that. Maybe they’re super organized and would actually enjoy creating an itinerary or packing the kids’ bags.”
Giving up the role of “vacation wife” doesn’t mean your vacation has to be ruined or that it’s an all-or-nothing scenario. Open communication and figuring out what would help you feel less stressed is the best course to determine the division of labor. “Say something like, ‘Hey, I’ve noticed sometimes I feel a little frustrated when we’re planning a vacation ’cause it feels like I’m doing most of the work. It would mean a lot to me if you could sort the accommodation this time,’” Norén suggests. Giving some tasks up to your partner can make the entire process feel like more of a team effort, rather than you just handling everything.
Ortega suggests you tailor your “ask” to what causes the most stress or to what your partner naturally excels at. “By having a game plan ready, the conversation stays constructive, and you get closer to actually enjoying the vacation you’ve worked so hard to plan. Because let’s face it, a vacation should be a break for everyone — not just the ones who didn’t plan it.”
